


My Mad Fat Zombie Diary

by Darling_Diver



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombies, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 16:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2628512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darling_Diver/pseuds/Darling_Diver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Synopsis: Set in 1996, Rae is a patient at a mental home. Four weeks prior, a mysterious epidemic left her stranded with two other patients alone. The three friends are struggling to understand what happened to everyone, if their families are still alive, and how to survive. Along the way, they meet a gang of people who may be their only chance to make it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Rae slid down to the floor, her back against the wall. The texture rubbed against her shirt, pulling it up.  _Fuck._ Her breath was shaky and she pushed her palm down on the journal wedged between her legs and stomach in an attempt to steady her hand. The tip of the pen pressed into the page. She considered where to start, closing her eyes firmly and listening to the deafening silence filling the room.  _Don’t cry._   _You have to stay strong for Tix._ She opened her eyes and set her mind to writing, hearing the words in her head as the pen moved along the page.

_Dear Diary,_

_It’s been 4 weeks since the outbreak, rising of the dead, or whatever. None of us know exactly what happened to be truthful. I don’t know that we should, it’s fucking scary. All I know for certain is the news broke a story about people attacking and eating each other. They put the hospital staff on a reserve shifts, patients snuck out trying to get home to their families and then the doctors, nurses, everyone stopped coming to check on us. Tix, Danny and I are the only ones left. There’s no TV, no news, no radio, everything’s stopped. It’s like the entire world hit pause. I’m scared. We can’t stay here forever, but when I look out the windows the streets are abandoned, there are no signs of life. I don’t think we can make it on our own._

A loud bang of metal hitting linoleum echoed down the industrial hallway outside her door, causing Rae to jump. She closed her eyes again.  _Just equipment falling over. We’re safe._

A deep, calming male voice spoke from beside her. “Rae, you’re writing in your diary again. That’s good.”

She kept her eyes closed, a tear sliding down her cheek. “You can’t read it.” 

“I don’t want to read it. It’s private, it’s for you.” 

Rae opened her eyes, looking sideways. Kester Gill sat next to her with a warm smile on his face, the calming presence of her trusted therapist radiating from the space he inhabited. She smelled the tobacco from his brown corduroy jacket. Her breathing grew shaky again and another tear slid down her cheek. “You can’t read it, because you’re not real. You’re not here.” 

“You’re talking to me. What makes you think I’m not real?”

“You never came back. You said good-bye, told me you’d see me the next day, but you never came back.” 

He dropped his head against the wall, shifting his gaze up to the ceiling. “I think you need someone to talk to, maybe that makes me real enough.”

“But if I’m talking to you, that means I’m madder than ever.” 

Kester smiled again, shifting focus to Rae as his eyes creased around the edges. “I don’t know about that. Maybe your mind needs someone safe to talk to, even if I’m not physically with you. You survived the past few weeks in one piece, that’s good. What have you been up to?” 

“Maybe…” Rae exhaled, looking down to the journal resting on her thighs. One of her tears had fallen, smudging the blue ink and causing it to streak down the page. “We can’t stay here much longer, there’s no food and no help coming. I’m scared for us to go outside, I don’t know how we’ll survive. The first few days it was fun being here just the three of us. We ran around breaking open the vending machines, ate junk food, raced hospital beds down the halls, and listened to music using all the batteries we could find. It’s not fun anymore though, we can’t pretend like things are going back to normal. Kester, what do we do?” She looked sideways, but he was gone. “Fuck.” She looked up to the ceiling. “Please,  _please_  tell me what to do.” 

“Rae, who you talking to?” Danny’s voice interrupted her from the doorway. 

She instinctively flipped the diary shut and pushed herself up from the floor. “Nobody, just myself.” 

Danny Two-hats was a nervous, slight sixteen year old boy. He had a gaunt face and sandy blonde hair concealed beneath two hats stacked on top of each other. His clothes were always a few sizes too big. Rae could never discern if it was a style choice or a learned habit to camouflage himself. His voice shook slightly when he talked, like he was constantly reconsidering what he said. “Tix said to come get you, we found the last tin of beans in the kitchen and were just going to open it for dinner. Do you have any sweets left?”

“You ask everyday. No, I don’t.” 

“Sure? Have you checked in all of them.” He pointed to the drawers of the cabinet pushed against the wall.

She nodded.  _Why do I feel like a fucking parent?_ “I have.” 

“Alright. Tix and I will be in the dining hall. You really shouldn’t be down here by yourself, we decided to stick together.” He turned to leave, disappearing into the hall.

“Hey, Danny.” 

A second later he popped his head back around the corner. “Yeah?”

“Did you or Tix knock something over in the hall earlier?”

He gave her a curious expression, cocking his head to the side and knitting his eyebrows together. “Nah, we’ve been in the dining hall, why?”

“No reason, just thought I heard a noise.” 

Danny shrugged, moving his hands to the zipper on the hoodie jacket wrapped around him and pushing it up and down absentmindedly. He stared at her a few moments in silence. “You ok, Rae?”

“Sure. Let’s go together.” Rae set her journal down on the bed before dawdling towards the door.  They picked up their pace in the hallway, light from the late evening sun illuminating the interior hall through patient rooms on each side. She couldn’t shake the sensation that something was behind them, causing her to check over her shoulder multiple times. The hospital grew darker with each passing hour. Rae hated the darkness, how it crept in like monster. At night, the three friends slept in a room together out of a need for safety and the consolation of human company. Rae ventured back to her room every now and then when she needed some space to think or fall apart, not wanting to show her doubts to Danny and Tix.  _They’re barely holding on as it is, I have to be strong._

The dining hall had the largest number of windows, staying lightest longest. As they entered through the swinging doors, relief washed over Rae.  _Safe._  Getting from one room to another made her ill-at-ease, but once there she let herself settle into a false sense of safety. Tix was waiting for them at a table, a single can of beans between three forks. The young girl was pale and thin, standing almost a full foot shorter than Rae with brown hair cut short and slightly matted against her forehead. Admitted for an eating disorder, she was Rae’s closest friend. The two girls quickly bonded when they met, finding a safe place in each other. She smiled at Rae. “Hey, skinny. Where you been?”

“Hiya, fattie. Nowhere, just forgot something in my room.” Rae and Danny settled at the table. The three looked at the cylinder filled with a soupy mixture between them. “You’re eating, right Tix?”

“Rae, I’m fine.” 

Danny and Rae shared a skeptical glance. Danny voiced their concerns, “You have to eat, Tix. You’re eating less and less the past few days.” 

Tix gave him an annoyed look. “There’s less and less to eat.” She pushed her fork into the tin, taking out a paltry bite of brown beans and holding it in front of her mouth. “See.” She pushed the utensil into her mouth, chewing slowly before placing her fork on the table and crossing her arms over her chest. 

Danny shook his head. “We take turns, one bite at a time so it’s fair.” 

They went around the table, each taking a bite then giving the next person a turn. Watching her friends, Rae’s heart sank.  _We can’t stay here. We’re going to die if we do._ She sat back, shifting her eyes between Tix and Danny. When it came her turn again, the two stared at Rae and waited. She shifted the fork in her hand, feeling the metal between her fingertips. “We have to go home.” 

Tix responded defensively, “We can’t  _leave_. Our homes don’t exist anymore, Rae!” 

Rae sat forward. “How do you know that? None of us know that.” 

 Tix’s face grew stern as she pursed her lips together. “We haven’t seen anyone else in over a week, either coming to help us or even on the street.” 

“That’s exactly why we need to try, we don’t have anything left here. No one is coming.” 

Danny interrupted their debate, “I agree with Rae. If we go together, we can make it.” 

Tix threw her fork on the table, despondently looking out the windows as the last rays of sun beamed orange across the horizon. “We need to get to our room, it’ll be dark in a few.”


	2. The Outside World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AU Synopsis: Set in 1996, Rae is a patient at a mental home. Four weeks prior, a mysterious epidemic left her stranded with two other patients alone. The three friends are struggling to understand what happened to everyone, if their families are still alive, and how to survive. Along the way, they meet a gang of people who may be their only chance to make it.

**The Outside World**

Rae shifted from one foot to another, staring through the glass entryway  doors of the Stamford mental hospital ward. It was overcast, wind shaking the leaves. Tix and Danny stood on either side of her, their smaller frames weighed down by backpacks and holding makeshift weapons in their hands. The three were silent, eyes searching the dead calm on the other side of the doorway for anything that would give them a hint of what was to come. At their backs, the hospital was deathly quiet. The darkness of the building was becoming a threat, fears making the thought of what lay behind seem as unlivable as what lay ahead. 

Forty-eight hours before, the friends sat in their room after a sparse dinner of beans. The light outside extinguished, they talked to each other in the dark. Rae’s resolve to venture from the hospital had remained firm since bringing it up. “We have to go. There’s no other way.” 

Danny’s quiet support was unwavering, “Rae’s right, we only have a few days worth of food left. If nothing else, we have to go for supplies.” 

Tix was the only one still resistant. She curled her knees tightly into her chest. Rae could see her slightly shaking in blue light of the night sky. “What if something really bad happens?” Silence hung in the air between them. There was no answer for the question she asked. Rae hung her head, knowing their exodus was imminent and not wanting to offer insulting platitudes.  _Poor, broken Tixie._

Danny spoke up, “We’ll carry forward…together. No matter what. Right, Rae?”

She weakly affirmed him, “Right.” 

Later, when Tix and Danny were asleep, Rae pulled out her diary and a flashlight. She buried herself under a duvet in an attempt to avoid waking them up or worse, someone or something outside noticing. 

_Dear Diary,_

_What if I’m wrong? This is all my idea and it could be a horrible mistake. I don’t think I’m right, I just don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to be responsible for us. I want an adult to tell us what to do, tell us how to be safe. Where are we even going to go? My house? Fucking 44 Elm Park Rd. The house of pain. I can’t imagine it will be better than here. But it has to be better somewhere, right? Please tell me it’s better somewhere. For the first time since I can remember, I want my mum._

Rae pushed the blanket down from over her head, switching off the torch and casting an unsettled look out the window.  _Someone else has to be looking at the sky right now, hoping we’re out here._ She closed her eyes.  _Please care. Anyone._

They spent the next day gathering supplies. Rae ventured down to Dr. Nick’s office in the furthest end of the hospital from their room. Tix mentioned he kept Big Cal protein drinks in a cabinet, which she hadn’t brought up before because she detested the thought of anyone making her drink them. She was right. Rae found ten cans in the bottom drawer of his desk. She looked around the room, imagining how different his conversations with Tix had been than the ones she’d had with him.  _Self-harm._ Her eyes drifted over the walls, up to the ceiling.  _Cutting. Restricting. Paranoid isolation. Are we just three flavors of the same affliction? Did he use the same words with each of us, just in a different order?_

The smell of tobacco smoke wafted into her nose. There was a movement of air as Kester stepped next to Rae, following her gaze around the room. “My office is better.” 

She nervously chuckled. “Do I have a brain tumor?”

“How should I know? I’m not that type of doctor. Why don’t you ask Nick.” He pulled his mouth sideways in a sarcastic grin. “Oh, sorry. He’s out today.” 

Rae shook her head. “Piss off, I’m busy.” 

He raised his eyebrows, peering at the drink cans mostly obscured inside the bag on the desk. “I can see that. You’re not on some sort of crazy diet, are you?”

She pulled the top of the bag closed. “Seriously, piss off if you’re not going to say anything useful. I don’t have time for this.” Rae picked it up, slinging a strap over her shoulder and traipsing towards the door. 

He impatiently exhaled. “Alright then, you know where I’ll be when you’re ready.”

She briskly turned. “Ready for what?” Kester was gone and she shook her head. “Fucking brilliant, I need to keep us together and now I’m getting angry at thin air.” Rae ran her fingers through her hair, the long tendrils snaking through her fingers before landing around her shoulders. “Get a fucking grip.”  

_1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10_  

She took a breath to steady herself and quickly opened the door, rapidly moving down the hall and back to Danny and Tix at the other end of the hospital. When she got there, Rae found the two with a pile of supplies: torches, gauze, antiseptic, toilet paper, a small tube of toothpaste, pillows, blankets, and the remaining food from the dining hall. She listlessly stared at the two cans of beans and single orange remaining.  _I never want beans again._ Danny had also collected a mixture of items they could use as weapons: scalpel, an ax, a bat, and a frying pan. She cocked her head to the side. “Where did you find a bat?”

He smiled. “It was in Kester’s office, in a closet. Along with this!” He held up a glass bottle full of brown liquid. 

She leaned forward, examining it.  _Whiskey._  Rae laughed to herself, whispering, “Your office is better.” 

“What did you say?” Danny was still holding the bottle up, while Tix sifted through and organized the items on the floor.

“Nothing.” Rae dropped the bag from her shoulder. “There were ten cans.” 

Tix pushed it towards Danny with her foot. “I’m not touching them.” 

Rae rolled her eyes.  _This is going to be a disaster. Stop, don’t think like that. We’re survivors, we have to be._

Danny nudged Rae’s arm and she was pulled back to the present, standing in the hospital waiting room no man’s land. “You ready?”

She tightened her grip around the axe in her hand, glancing over her shoulder into the quiet. “We should go.” 

Tix leaned forward slightly, a nervous glance darting from the doors to her friends. “We sure about this? Once we walk out that door there’s no way to get back in.”

Danny scoffed, “Of course not, but there’s no other option.” 

Rae ignored them, taking a deep breath and footing it to the door. She lay her hand firmly on the cool handle handle. Leaves rustled on a tree nearby, the movement catching her eye. She pushed the door forward firmly, the release of the lock popping inside the wooden frame and the wind catching her hair as she stepped outside. Rae looked into the sky, which was grey and cloudy. Tix and Danny bickered behind her as they followed, but Rae’s mind drown them out working overtime in an attempt to take note of anything that would help explain what happened to everyone or if they were in danger. Her focus shifted from one direction to another.  _Deserted streets. Abandoned cars. Trash._ She cautiously descended the short, tiled staircase to the pavement. The desolate nature of everything struck her as disheartening. The last time she was outside, the immense noise from traffic, people, and daily activity of the world almost sent her into a panic attack. Other than the wind, there was nothing now. Suddenly the collection of odd sounds inside the hospital seemed comforting. Rae gave a fleeting glance to the building behind them before turning right, setting off for home with her friends in tow. 

Getting to Rae’s house would be the first priority. Tix suggested it, proposing since it was Rae’s idea to leave the hospital then they should find her family first. Rae knew it was an attempt by the elfin girl to avoid facing whatever waited at her own home. Doubts and questions were becoming their biggest enemy. Daily normalities were desperately out of place - cars parked sideways on the streets with doors open, trash bins turned sideways and litter dancing around them, and the insides of buildings dark like unexplored caves. They trudged forward without speaking through the nearby Stamford City College campus. Across the greens and beside the buildings they moved, their feet leaving depressions in the overgrown grass. Silence permeated everything. Life had been so different before, full of music, laughter and talking. Living in the hospital, she had never been alone or without something to do. Even in the worst moments, she could slide earphones over her head and allow her mind to drift without every really being alone. 

Tix spoke up from behind her. “I need to stop.” 

“Yeah, we’ve been walking for long enough. We should rest,” Danny’s voice wavered slightly in an attempt to take a firm stance.

Rae slowed her long stride, allowing the two to catch up with her aggressive pace. She turned to them. “We can rest, but we have to keep moving. I don’t know much, but if I ever learned anything from movies it’s that we have to be somewhere safe before dark.” 

Danny looked around nervously. “We’re getting closer, right? We should have time. There’s a Tesco on the other side of this neighborhood.” He pointed past Rae to group of houses. “We should stop and see if there’s any food.” 

Tix put her hands on her hips, leaning forward slightly to catch her breath. Sweat beaded across her forehead and she shifted her focus up to Rae, who examined her friend. “You ok, fatty?”

“Fine, just need to rest.” 

Danny gave her a worried look, shaking his head. “You should eat something.” 

Rae pushed an arm back, allowing the pack to partially fall from her back. She handed the axe in her hand to Danny before unzipping the opening just enough to pull out a can of Big Cal. She held it in front of Tix, waiting. The girl shook her head, giving Rae a pleading look. “You have to, Tix.” 

“No, I don’t. There aren’t any doctors here to tell me I have to, I’m fine. Let’s go get batteries for your discman.” She pushed the can away, stubbornly straightening herself and stomping towards the neighborhood with a determined stride. 

Rae rolled her eyes at Danny, turning and following suit. It took about fifteen minutes before the shopping center loomed in front of them. They cut across a hill, heading through the car park. As they approached the building, Tix’s pace faltered. The store was dark inside, an ominous cavern of unknowns. Danny ran into Rae’s back, letting out a small yelp in surprise. She assumed he had been watching the ground as they moved and glared at him.  _I don’t want to do this._  Her eyes scanned the windows. 

Danny stepped around Rae. “Shall we?” He reached up with a thin hand, pulling down the two hats stacked on his head. 

He lead the way, Tix stepping in time with him as Rae followed, dread creeping over her. _Please let this be alien abduction or something where there’s just no one around._  She took a deep breath as they cautiously entered the building, as if she was submerging herself in water. Inside, bright afternoon sunlight illuminated the first section of the store, variable shadows and darkness overtaking everywhere else. 

Tix whispered, “Let’s just get what we need and leave.” 

The three stuck to the areas with the most light, filling the available space in their bags with candies, cakes, crisps, and bottles of water. For good measure, Danny picked three cans of vegetables from the display near a register. As they re-grouped to leave, Rae stopped. “I’ll be right back, I forgot something.” 

Danny knitted his forehead together, glancing behind her into the quiet store. “What?”

“It’ll only take a second.” Rae turned before they could ask any other questions, darting toward the home goods.  _Batteries._ She tightened her grip on the axe in her hand and slowed, quietly turning down an aisle away from the front windows. She spied batteries hanging just a few steps away from the black engulfing the rest of the store.  _You can do this. Tunes, just think about it. Music will be worth it, you can’t keep going without music. You’ll die. Well, being without music is worse than death._ Her hand reached for the packages, pulling them from the stand as if she were ripping a bandaid from skin. She turned to the front of the store confidently.  _It’s fine. Nothing’s there, it’s just your imagination._  As she looked up, a lanky figure with something swinging in it’s hand stood at the end of the aisle between her and the the way back.  _Shit._  She stuffed the batteries in the pocket of her green military jacket and tightened her grip around the axe handle in her hand. Her brain worked furiously trying to decide what to do.  _Lunge_. A tense moment passed as Rae moved her right foot back, putting the weight on the ball and grounding herself _. Now._

Just as she pushed herself forward, the figure spoke. “You infected?”

Rae stopped short, halting her momentum. “Infected?” 

“Yeah, infected.” He stepped to the side, allowing light to fall on Rae and she could see the outline of his profile. He was wearing a camouflage jacket, a bandana tied around his neck, a dark grey shirt, and jeans. She wagered he was close to her age, if anything only a year or so older. He was holding a shotgun, his hand on the handle as the barrel swung towards the floor.  

“Infected with what?”  _Ok, not alien abduction._

A second, shorter figure turned the corner towards them. “Chop, what’d you find?” The boy wore glasses, khaki pants, a zip up jacket, and trainers. His appearance was starkly different than the first boy’s, almost as if his mother had dressed him for the first day of school.  _No way they’re mates._

Chop cast an impatient glance at the other boy. “She doesn’t talk.”

“I do talk.” Her eyes shifted back and forth between them. 

“Ah! Excellent. What’s your name?” The shorter boy stepped towards her, offering his hand in a greeting. The act of civility seemed out of place to her, something she assumed the taller boy wouldn’t appreciate either. She watched them both, lifting her hand in return. 

“Rae.” 

He gave her a warm smile. “I’m Archie and this is Chop.” 

Chop repeated his question, “Are you infected?”

She shook her head.  _What the actual fuck?_  

He continued, “You alone?”

She shook her head again. 

“See, told you. She doesn’t talk.” 

Archie sighed. “She does talk, if you weren’t acting like a wanker she might be willing to say something.” He turned his attention back to her. “You said you’re not alone, who you with?”

Rae narrowed her eyes.  _Can we trust them?_ Her fingers started to hurt from the grip she’d maintained on the axe in her hand, the ends tingling from lack of circulation. 

As if reading her mind, Archie reassured her, “We’re not going to hurt you. Just can’t be too careful, you know? Do you need help?”

Heavy footsteps plodded towards them an aisle away. Over the metal shelves Rae heard a third voice, “What you lads doing? Need to get back, we’ve been in one place too long already.” In mere seconds he joined the two other boys, who were preventing Rae from leaving. She couldn’t determine if they intended to be menacing or helpful. 

_Shit. Fuck. Bugger._ Her heart pumped harder, the thumping echoing through her ears. Rae’s mind struggled to assess the situation, overwhelmed with questions and alarm. She heard air pulling and pushing in through her nose loudly, the rhythm punctuating the quiet between the four of them. 

Suddenly, Danny’s shaky voice sprung from behind the three boys, “Let her go.” 

Chop and Archie turned in unison, while the third boy kept his focus trained on Rae. He stood mostly in the shadows, but she could make out an athletic build under the leather jacket and jeans he wore. Her eyes flitted down as he shifted his weight sideways, noticing his chunky black boots. The movement allowed more light to fall on his face, revealing a strong jawline and shaggy brown hair falling across his forehead. His expression was critical, but she could tell there was kindness under the surface. His eyes scanned her, lingering on her hand holding the axe. He slowly advanced towards her. “You alright, girl?” She tilted her head sideways at the sound of his voice, a quality about it familiar. 

Tix brandished the pan in her hands above her head. “We don’t want any trouble. Let us leave!” 

“Whoa!” Archie slid the revolver in his hand into a jacket pocket, putting his hands up in the air. “Everybody calm down. We’re just trying to figure out who you are and where you came from. Chop came across your friend, Rae, here.” He pointed to her. “It’s not everyday we meet new people, so let’s all just relax. I’m Archie, this is Chop, and that’s Finn.” He lowered a hand, pushing down the barrel of Chop’s gun which had been raised towards Danny. 

An uneasy silence fell between the two groups of strangers. Rae’s focus hadn’t left Finn, still positioned closest to her. His eyes fixed on hers and a small smile played at the corners of his mouth. She couldn’t reconcile the desires to simultaneously attack him with the axe to protect herself and throw it to the ground so she could grab his face to make out.  _Cocky arse._ From behind Rae, there was a crashing sound as if a display had fallen over followed by low grunting. Everyone’s attention snapped to the dark space, Rae turned and backed up. She bumped into Finn, who stepped in front of her. Chop pushed her to stand behind him and Archie, so she was positioned next to Tix and Danny. 

The grunting grew louder and the boys raised their weapons. Rae saw a smirk on Chop’s face just before he spoke, “Time to take care of some twatheads.” 

Archie warned the three friends over his shoulder, “If we say ‘run’, just go.”

A form emerged from the dark, charging towards them. Chop was the first to act, firing his shot gun into the chest of what Rae thought was a human. The creature’s skin was a blue-grey and features contorted, with dark spatters across it’s face and clothing.  _Infected?_ It fell backwards, moaning and clutching at the smooth floor. Accompanying grunts approached from the other side of the aisle closest to Rae, Tix, and Danny. Archie yelled, “GO!” and they took off running for the exit towards the car park. Without hesitation, everyone followed suit. The boys were fast, leading the way and setting a frantic pace. Rae watched as their figures grew smaller. She stayed with Tix, who ran slower than everyone else. The threatening sounds of whatever was after them grew louder. Without thinking, Rae turned and swung her axe, catching one of them across the shoulder and neck. The sensation of slicing into skin and bone was different than anything she’d ever experienced. Her stomach turned as she yanked her axe back and kept running, the body falling sideways.

Voices called to her, “Hurry up!”  

Rae’s legs pumped quicker, Finn and Chop running back to them. “Go, we’ll get her.” 

Rae glanced at Tix, a few steps behind them. Her body was struggling under the weight of the bag on her back. She had dropped the pan from her hand and was now without any means of defending herself. Rae called to her friend, “Tix!” 

Chop pushed her shoulder. “Run! Follow Archie.” 

She huffed out a disgruntled breath, dissatisfied with the order but certain there wasn’t a better solution. Rae looked at Tix again, forcing a worried smile. “Hurry up, fatty!” 

Tix’s quivering voice called to her across the short distance between them, “Not if I get there first, skinny!” 

Rae nodded, turning and running towards Danny and Archie. She wasn’t sure how long they ran, but it seemed like an eternity. It was the most she had ever run at one time before, adrenaline coursing through and propelling her body forward. Danny was struggling, his arms falling and flopping by his sides the further they went. Archie kept up his pace, almost as if he was exercising for sport. Rae looked back several times, but there was no sign of Chop, Tix, or Finn.  _I need to stop._  She slowed her pace, feet aching from the lack of support in the Converse lace-ups she was wearing. Danny immediately joined her. Rae’s heart was beating faster than she had noticed, a combination of fear and physical exertion. She looked down at her shaking hands. Sweat dripped down her back and the cups of her bra were wet, but Rae was cold.

Archie urged them on, “We’re almost there, you can’t relax yet.” 

Danny nodded at Rae. She smiled at him, blinking slowly. They took off at the same time, keeping in stride with each other. Two streets later, they turned towards a house. The area was relatively close to where Rae’s mum lived. Everything was grim just like the neighborhoods between the hospital and Tesco. She turned her attention to the house Archie was leading them towards.  _No fucking way._ Stopping in the driveway, her eyes grew wide. Danny stopped beside her, “What’s wrong?”

Rae’s mouth fell open. “Chloe.” 

“Who’s Chloe?”

Just then, Chop and Finn ran past her to the front door. Chop accidentally grazed Rae’s shoulder, knocking her off balance. As she stood, Rae saw Tix’s pack on his back. She looked from them to the road.  _Tix?_ The longer she stood, the colder Rae felt and her hands shook more noticeably. Archie stepped back out of the house towards her. “Let’s get inside, it’s not safe to stand around.” 

Rae fought to suppress her growing sense of panic. “Where’s Tix?”

Archie gave her an uneasy look just as Chop strode out from behind him. He approached Rae, an apologetic and pained expression on his face. “She didn’t make it.” 

“No.” Rae was sure she’d heard him wrong.

“Sorry.” His eyes drifted to the ground. 

“No.”  _Liar._  

“Here.” He put a hand on Rae’s shoulder. Danny lunged at him, his slight frame crashing into the side of Chop. 

To Rae, everything stopped. The arguing became white noise, she dropped her axe onto the pavement and marched back towards the street. Voices grew louder and suddenly a strong pair of arms circled around her waist. Rae railed against them, pushing forward and yelling, “TIXIE!!!!” She flailed in an attempt to get away, but her body was exhausted. “NO! LET ME GO!” Rae was being dragged backwards into the house against her will. She angrily looked down to the hands around her waist, pulling at the wrists. They were muscular, sparse veins creating river-like pathways under the skin. She couldn’t escape the firm hold as she looked back to the sky disappearing behind the interior walls of the house. “TIX!” She landed against the body holding her as they crashed into a wall from the forceful momentum. Sliding down to the floor together, she saw black boots as Finn’s legs folded under hers. Rae blankly stared at the now closed wooden door they had passed through, the glass panes covered over. Clamping her eyes together tightly, Rae’s body shook. Finn’s firm grip stayed around her abdomen. There was a flurry of movement, but Rae refused to open her eyes.  _No, no, no, no, no. This is all a dream, I’ll wake up and it’ll be a Thursday in the hospital. Tix and I can catch up on the charts and have toast. We’ll go to group, then out to the lake with Danny and play 10-questions._ She heard Danny sobbing nearby. 

Warm air brushed across her ear. “It’ll be alright, girl.” 

Rae’s hands clutched Finn’s wrists, short fingernails digging into his warm skin. They moved together as Finn’s chest rose and fell against her back. Rae shook her head, willing it all to be a horrible dream. “I’m ready, Kester.”  _Where are you?_

A caring voice washed over her. “Ready for what? Was Kester her name?” Rae opened her eyes. A diminutive girl crouched in front of her, luminescent red hair cascading over her shoulders. Her eyes creased around the corners, a worried look on her face. She put a hand on Rae’s cheek before flicking her eyes to Finn. “She’s cold.” 

“It’s shock, Izzy. We need to lie her down.”

Rae looked over Izzy’s shoulder. Kester stood in the corner staring at her with his arms crossed, tears streaming down his face. Danny’s hats were littered across the floor in front of their therapist. 

_It’s all my fault._


	3. In the House

**In the House**

Rae’s eyes snapped open, a dull ache radiating from her head down through her body. She lifted a hand and rubbed her eyes.  _It was all a fucked up dream_. The pressure on her eyelids made the world flash a bright red as she opened them and focused.  _Pink._  Rae squinted in an attempt to clear her view of the hue, but it remained. She took in a deep breath, letting her eyes wander around the room. The walls were covered in pink and silver stripes, with a zig-zag design in the darker sections. The carpet was pink, along with the duvet under her, and a teal couch sat along the wall.  _Shit, not the hospital._  She rolled over to face the window. Low light came in between the curtains.  _Raining? Evening?_ She was disoriented. Rae slowly sat up, the pain in her head accentuated by the change in position. She blinked slowly before settling her eyes on picture frames full of smiling faces beside the bed.  _Chloe. It was all real._ Rae rolled her eyes closed, a deep sense of loss re-settling on her chest like a weight.  _Tix._ She opened her eyes and reached to turn on the bedside lamp. The ribbed plastic switch was rough against her skin. Rae pinched it between her fingers and rotated it twice. Nothing happened. She repeated the exercise with the same result. “Great.” 

 

Rae swung her legs to the edge of the bed and stood. She searched the floor, finding her shoes lined neatly at the end of the bed. Rae pulled on her Converse before swiftly picking her jacket up from the couch arm closet to the door. Pulling it around her, she hesitantly looked out into the hallway. The house was quiet. It took her a few moments to hear faint mumbling between multiple voices downstairs. Rae gingerly descended the stairs. 

Chloe’s friendly face was the first to look up at her when Rae rounded the doorway into the living room. The girl immediately stood, causing a halt in the conversation. She extended her arms and approached her friend. “Rae! Thank God.” Chloe wrapped her arms around Rae, pulling her in tightly. 

Pulling herself back, Rae assessed who was in the room. Two of the boys from Tesco, the girl with red hair, and Danny. The one with the leather jacket was missing. Rae furrowed her brow. Chloe continued as if picking up on Rae’s unease with being a stranger to everyone, “That’s Chop and Archie, you met them on your way here.” She pointed to the two boys sitting on the couch facing Rae. Chop was wearing his camouflage jacket and jeans. Archie nodded, giving her a warm smile. He had on a polo shirt and khakis still. Chop dropped his eyes to the floor, looking guilty as if he’d done something unforgivable. The action brought Rae’s attention back to the weight in her chest.  _Don’t cry._ “This is Izzy.” Chloe gestured to the girl sitting next to Danny on the adjacent couch.

Izzy stood, offering her place to Rae. “Sit down.” She had her long hair pulled up into two buns on the top of her head, each offset to the side, and wore jeans with a plain top and flower jacket. The cheerfulness of the pattern reminded Rae of a peaceful garden. 

Rae shook her head. “Don’t want to sit. How long was I asleep? A few hours?”

Everyone exchanged glances. Chop stood and left the room. Izzy’s eyes tracked him before returning her focus to Rae. “You need to sit.” 

Rae obliged, shuffling between Danny’s legs and the coffee table before settling herself next to the nervous boy. He gave her a weary smile. “You’ve been asleep almost a full day, Rae.”

“What? No.” She shook her head in disbelief. “We just got here a few hours ago.” 

Danny put a hand on her forearm. “No, we ran here from Tesco yesterday. You had a complete freak out in the front hall. The boys carried you upstairs once you calmed down and put you in Chloe’s room. That was all yesterday evening.” 

“It really happened? Tix is dead?” Rae’s eyes fell to the floor as the last word left her mouth. 

Chloe moved to stand behind her. “Yeah, babe. She didn’t make it.” 

Rae looked back to Danny, as if he had answered her. “What happened?”

Danny looked from Izzy to Archie, pulling his mouth sideways, before flicking his eyes to the door where Chop had exited moments before. “Um…”

_You say it, Danny. Not a stranger._

Izzy stepped around the side of the couch and in front of Rae, sitting on the coffee table. She put a hand on Rae’s knee. It took everything in her to look at Izzy. The girl pressed her lips together, dropping her eyes to Rae’s hands balled together before meeting her eyes again. “Her heart gave out, she couldn’t keep running. When Chop and Finn came back to help you, they tried to help her along and even carry her. She collapsed, they couldn’t find a heartbeat.” 

_Fuck you. Fuck them._ Rae squinted, focusing intently on Izzy’s eyes. 

Danny spoke softly from beside her, “Tix was sick. I kept thinking she would keep going, but we knew she wasn’t getting better.” 

Rae snapped her head back to Danny. “You knew she wouldn’t make it?”

His eyes widened and he scooted a few inches away from her. “That’s not what I said.” 

Chloe put a hand on her shoulder from behind the couch. “It’s not anyone’s fault, Rae. We’ve all lost people since this started. Chop feels horrible about it, that’s why he left. He thinks you’re going to attack him or something. The way you acted yesterday scared him. Finn had to restrain you.” 

_Finn? Boots guy._

Archie leaned forward towards Izzy, angling himself to examine Rae. “Do you remember any of what happened after Finn pulled you into the house?”

Being the central focus made Rae increasingly claustrophobic. Her heart rate increased as she looked from one face to another, sensing Chloe’s hand still on her shoulder. Her chest rose and fell faster as her brain became muddled with thoughts and emotions. A tense silence settled over the gang.  _They’re waiting on you. Do something normal. What the fuck is normal in this situation?_ Rae weighed her options.  _Scream, cry, punch someone, go back to the bedroom and…cut myself._ Her mind hung on the last thought, savoring the release she knew would come afterwards. Rae pushed her fingertips into her upper thighs in an effort to feel the scars under her jeans. 

Chop re-entered the room. “Stop making her fucking patient zero. Give her room to breath.” 

His voice brought her back to the present.  _No. You don’t do that anymore._  Rae pulled her hands back, turning to look at Chop. He waved at her to follow him. “Come on, let’s have a chat.” 

Rae hesitated before standing, a small measure of relief from the offer to leave the attention of the room. Exiting, Rae glanced to the right at the front door. She dropped her eyes to where her last memories were of coming into the house. Things were tidied and Danny’s hats safely back on his head in the living room.  _It’s all surreal._ She sharply turned to the left, towards the back of the house where Chop was waiting in the doorway of the kitchen. She knew Chloe’s house, but every room seemed hallow and dark now even though nothing was out of place. Rae slowly eyed the family portraits arranged in the hallway.  _Life was so normal for Chloe not that long ago. What happened to her parents?_ She slowed her pace down to a shuffle, wanting to delay talking to Chop.  _I want to stay in this no man’s land alone between them and him. It’s quiet here. Can I disappear?_

Footsteps on the staircase next to her answered the question before she heard Finn speak, “You’re awake.” His voice was breathy and low, as if he had been asleep too.

She looked up at him, giving a tight lipped smile. “Unfortunately.” Rae’s attention followed Finn as he rounded the bottom of the staircase and took a few steps to stand behind her. He was in jeans and a light blue top, the sleeves rolled up halfway. She turned back to Chop, who was patiently waiting. 

“We were going to have a chat about her friend, Finn. You should join.” He motioned for them to follow him into the kitchen at the back corner of the house.  

When she passed through the doorway, Chop ahead and Finn behind her, Rae saw the first signs of an interrupted life in Chloe’s house. Cans of food and supplies were arranged along the counters in various groupings. Her eyes slowly drifted over each.  _Beans, vegetables, fruit, bin bags, first aid…_ As her gaze traveled, she eventually reached the stockpile of weapons on the table just through the opposite side of the kitchen on the breakfast table. Shadows fell over them from the growing darkness outside, bits of light gleaming off the knives. Rae saw her axe next to several guns. She mumbled to herself, “Fucking hell.” 

Finn followed her focus, speaking over her shoulder, “We’re not a militia or anything, just picked up things along the way so we’re ready.” 

“Right.” She passed them, examining the grouping of sharp objects closer. Rae turned and gave each of them a critical once-over. Chop slumped against the counter next to the refrigerator near the door while Finn shifted and leaned into the island near her. Rae stood between them and the dining room, the arsenal of weapons at her back. She could hear the rest of the gang talking in the living room, muffled noises filtering down the hallway and through the door behind Chop and Finn. The three looked at each other, as if in a standoff for who would speak first. 

Chop took the plunge. “What do you want to know about your friend?”

She snapped her eyes to his. “Tix.” 

Chop nodded. “Right, Tix. Do you want us to tell you all the details?”

Rae considered a moment.  _Is it better to know or leave it at the last time I saw her?_ Chop looked uncomfortable, crossing his arms and focusing intently on the ground while awaiting her answer. Finn knocked the heel of one boot against the tip of another, leaning forward onto the cabinet and keeping his focus on Rae. She held his gaze, the connection soothing her uncertainty. “Was it quick?”

Finn stood, maintaining the eye contact. “Yes.” He nodded, slowly blinking and stepping around the island towards her. 

“Is there anything I could have done if I’d stayed?” Rae was aware of Chop from the corner of her eye as he watched the two of them, but she only wanted to hear Finn answer.

Standing two feet away from her, he continued, “No.” 

“That’s all I need to know then.” She nodded, shifting her focus to Chop for the first time since seeing the weapons. “I don’t blame you. She was my best friend, I blame myself. We should never have left the hospital.”

Chop stood. “We’ve all lost people, Rae. Blaming yourself won’t do any good. Wait…you said hospital, was she sick?”

_We’re all fucking sick._ “Something like that.” Rae shifted uncomfortably, refusing to look back at Finn.

“Was anybody else there? Doctors, patients?” Finn’s voice gained an element of urgency she didn’t understand.

“No. Just us, everyone else left and never came back.” 

Chop looked at Finn. “Mate, she’s not there.” Finn turned to him, balling his hands into fists. 

_What the bloody hell?_  There was a silent conversation going on between the two boys and they clearly weren’t compelled to share details. Izzy appeared in the doorway next to Chop, breaking the tension. She passed through the kitchen to Rae, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “You alright?” 

“Yeah, we’re sorted. I won’t attack Chop or anything, so he doesn’t have to worry about that.” Rae nodded towards him with a small, consoling smile. “I feel like an orangutang’s been sick on my brain. Do you have anything for pain?”

Izzy examined her. “You’re most likely hungry and dehydrated. It’s been over a day since you ate or drank anything. We’re about to get dinner together and discuss the plan for tomorrow. There is some aspirin over there.” She pointed to the counter behind Chop. 

Rae nodded, reminded of the ever present sense of unease in her stomach at the mention of food.  _Plan? To what?_ Dropping her eyes to the floor, she returned to the hallway, passing Chop. He stopped her momentarily with a hand on her shoulder. “I’m really sorry, Rae. She was a top lass, fought the whole way for such a tiny thing.” 

Taking in a sharp inhale, Rae pursed her lips together and continued forward. In the hallway, she shuffled her feet along the carpet and ran her fingers across the wall. Slowly taking in Chloe’s family pictures, Rae’s mind drifted to Elm Park Road.  _Mum?_ Chloe rounded the corner out of the living room and towards the kitchen, almost knocking into Rae. She pulled back suddenly, looking startled. “Rae.”

Rae pulled her head back slightly in mock surprise. “Chloe.” 

“You alright?”

“Why does everybody keep asking me that? No, assume the answer is no. Everything is fucked up. Are  _you_  alright?”

Chloe’s face went expressionless, somewhere between shocked and relieved. “No.” 

“Good, because I would have to call you a liar if you said otherwise.” Rae glanced to the wall, a photo of Chloe and her parents neatly hanging at eye level between their faces. “Chop said everybody’s lost someone. Where are your parents, Chloe?”

Chloe took a step away from Rae, chewing on the side of her mouth. “I don’t know.” 

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“There was a town council meeting. It was right when things went crazy, people panicking and breaking into homes. They told me to stay here, but they never came back. After a few days, I tried to make my way to the Council Chamber on St Mary’s Hill, but I didn’t get far on my own. I was lucky, came across the gang down near The Swan and have been with them since. Neighborhoods were evacuated, but we hid out here. The military were almost as scary as the infected. Which is worse, being herded like livestock or a mindless infected?” 

“Oh, Chloe. I’m so sorry.”  _What about my mum? Herded like livestock?_

“Chop’s right, Rae. We’ve all lost people, most of us don’t know what happened to them. At least you know Tix died fast and she won’t wake up. She was lucky.” 

The sentiment stung, causing Rae to blink back tears. She didn’t like thinking Tix was lucky because she died.  _You can’t just slip out of the world and nothing happen because of it. No one can do that. Tix mattered._ She pursed her lips and focused on the front door behind Chloe.  _Them and us. Is that what it’s come to now? I have to still believe someone is out there wondering about us, otherwise what’s the point?_

“Rae…” Chloe snapped her fingers. 

Rae twitched and shifted her eyes back to Chloe. “Lucky, right.” 

“I’m helping with dinner. Go into the living room and we’ll all be in there soon.” She pushed past Rae, heading to join Izzy, Chop, and Finn in the kitchen.

Rae paused, struck by how out of place the routine of getting dinner ready seemed with all the other circumstances. Her stomach rumbled at the thought of food, but she had no desire to eat.  _That’s new._  As she became increasingly aware of the gurgling of her stomach, the pressure in Rae’s chest accompanied it.  _It’s all out of place._   _Nothing’s as I meant it to be._ For the first time, Rae welcomed the thought of hallucinating Kester. She clamped her eyes closed, willing him to appear. 

Archie broke her concentration from the doorway to the living room with a whisper, “You should talk to Danny. Think he’s having a hard time of it.” 

Rae looked at him, narrowing her eyes. “And I’m not?”

“Sorry, that’s not what I meant. I just…” Archie glanced back at the frail boy sitting on the couch. He lowered his voice, making himself barely audible to her, “Is he alright?”

“I’m sure they need one more person to help open cans of beans in the kitchen. I’ll take care of Danny.” She pushed past Archie and entered the living room.  _How many fucking people does it take to “make dinner”? Just be honest and tell us you want to have a chat as a gang without the new people._  Rae stopped short, passing her eyes over Danny’s back. He was facing away from her on the couch positioned towards the wall where she’d left him earlier. He looked so small in the room, which was eerily quiet now that they were the only ones there. Rae hung her head as she came around the couch and let herself sink into the cushion next to him. They sat in silence, Danny nervously reaching up to adjust the hunter green baseball cap on top of the khaki fisherman’s one below it. Rae raised a hand, pulling his down. “There’s no one to read your thoughts anymore, Danny.”

Danny furrowed his brow, pulling his hand away and shaking his head. “Of course there still out there reading our thoughts.” He had been in the mental ward longer than Rae or Tix, admitted for a myriad of paranoid behaviors, including his signature two hats which were a measure to prevent people from interfering with his brain waves. Even in the moments when he was out of touch with reality, Danny was kind and gentle.  _He doesn’t deserve any of this. He lost Tix too._ Danny had a unique bond with Tix. Rae assumed if either of them had been an average teenager they would have dated. She had even hoped they would date after being released from the hospital before the world fell apart.  _They’ll never go on a date now. They could have been in love. Were they in love?_

Rae slowly exhaled, propping elbows on her legs and dropping her forehead into her hands. “What should we do? Stay?”

“Where’ve we got to go?”

The hopelessness in his voice struck her, making the pressure in her chest unbearable. “Be right back.” She stood, quickly leaving the room and going upstairs.  _Loo._

Rae found an interior bathroom at the top of the stairs, closing the door. The room was pitch black, faded light peaking in through the gap at the bottom of the door.  _Shit._  She leaned on the door, sliding to the floor.  _Calm down. _1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10__ Rae forced herself to breath slowly and methodically, focusing on her body. Her chest hurt, the muscles around her breastbone weary from tension. Rae was nauseous and the ache in her head intensified.  _Kester? Will you just show up if I ask you to?_ She was surrounded by dark silence.  _There’s no difference between having my eyes shut or open here._ The thought gave her solace.  _Nothing exists._

“You exist.” Kester’s deep voice punctuated the air in front of her. 

“Do I really? Could I be in a coma having some sort of horrible dream?”

“Nah, no coma. You keep bargaining though, which puts you around stage three of the grief process.” 

“You told me once those stages aren’t set. That one might happen before another and I might even go through one of them more than once.” 

“Ah, so you did pay attention in our sessions.”

Rae chuckled, “Sometimes. I would give anything to sit your office with you right now instead of here.” 

“Well, I once did a session with Tix in the toilets so pretty much anywhere is my office.” 

She heard him sigh in the dark, stale cigarette smoke wafting up her nose. “I’m concerned about isolation and depression though, those are habits of yours.” 

“You smoking?”

“I’m in your mind. I don’t think there’s any point in worrying about smoking being bad for my health.” 

Rae leaned forward, extending her hand into the darkness.  _If I can touch him…_

“You can’t touch me, Rae.”

There was a tapping noise on the door above her head. Izzy spoke without waiting for an answer, “You in there, Rae? Don’t use the toilet, there’s no water. If you need the loo I can show you where we go.”

“Not using the toilet. Be right out.” 

Kester continued, “Tell me about earlier when you had thoughts of hurting yourself.”

Rae pushed herself up from the floor, tiles cool against her palms. She stood at the door, fingers wrapped around the knob. “This isn’t your office. We should talk about what I want to talk about if you’re in my head.” 

“What do you want to talk about.” 

“Getting out of here.” Rae pulled the door open, grey light flooding the room behind her. She stepped onto the carpeted landing without looking back. 

Downstairs the gang had reconvened in the living room. A pot of beans was centered on the table between the couches and slices of bread torn into pieces were spread around it in front of each person. Chop, Izzy, and Chloe were on one couch, facing Rae as she entered. Danny still hadn’t moved from the spot where she’d left him.  _How long has he been there? All day? Since yesterday?_ Archie sat next to him, both boys facing away from her. Finn had planted himself on the carpet with his back to the fireplace. He was the first to look up when she appeared, meeting her eyes.

Archie turned, looking at her with a warm smile. “We were waiting for you. Entire family has to be here for us to eat.” 

She considered her options.  _Sit on the floor next to Finn or couch with Danny and Archie and have to stare at him._ Her eyes surveyed the two spaces. Finn subtly scooted sideways, making more room at the table for her.  _It doesn’t bloody matter. Nothing does._ She crossed and sat next to him. As she lowered herself, he straightened and glanced sideways several times. Rae chewed on the inside of her cheek.  _Seriously, Rae? Act normal._ She gave a weak smile to Danny, who looked relieved to see her again. 

“Let’s eat, yeah?” Izzy motioned to the pot. 

Finn handed Rae a spoon from the table. She looked from the utensil to the silver cylinder in the middle of the table, mumbling, “Fucking beans.” 

Finn laughed, causing everyone to look at him. He shrugged and shot Rae another glance. She couldn’t help but smile.  _Ok. Fine, you can do this._ Pushing her spoon in, Rae took a moderate amount of the soupy mixture into the spoon and pushed it into her mouth. Forcing herself to smile, she looked at the faces around the table.  _This might not be so bad. Danny and I can manage it._ Everyone carried on eating in a shared state of quiet exhaustion.  _This is just life now, right?_

Izzy pushed two pills across the table to Rae, nodding to her. “For your head.” 

Chop spoke, “We should decide our next move.” 

The statement surprised Rae, not just because of the urgency in his voice but also the thought of things changing again just as she grappled with accepting today.  _Change what?_ She shot a nervous glance to Danny, who was already looking at her. Rae took the pills from the table, popping them into her mouth and swallowing with another bite of food.

Archie agreed with Chop, “He’s right, we’ve been at Chloe’s for over a week now. We can keep making supply runs but the military will come back and I’m not going to get rounded up like our families. We’re a family now and none of us should be put through that. Watching it was hard enough and we were lucky to get away from them once.” 

“I’m not leaving, I can’t.” Chloe threw her fork down on the rectangular table, the force causing it to bounce across the wood. 

“We have to leave. Chop’s parents have a country estate, we can go there. We’ll have better options of protecting ourselves not being in the city like this. How far is it, Chop?” Izzy expectantly looked at him. 

_How long have they known each other? Are they dating?_ It hit Rae that she knew nothing about these people, aside from Chloe and Danny. She shifted her eyes to the left and studied Finn, the muscle strain on the right side of them causing her head ache.  _Why are you so quiet?_  Finn was intently focused on the ground, his forearms balanced on his knees. She could see his mouth was pursed, lips pushed forward and jaw flexed. 

Chop answered Izzy, “We’d need a car, probably a day drive or so. Your parents have a Range Rover, right Chloe?”

“We’re not leaving!” She huffed loudly. 

Rae couldn’t contain herself, “Calm down, Chloe. It’s alright.” 

Chloe dropped her head. “I know, I just…Rae, you know. You know  _me_. My whole life has been in this house. How do I just leave it? My parents might come back. They won’t know where I’ve gone.” 

Rae’s eyes drifted up to find Kester standing behind Chloe. “You have to tell her they’re not coming back. Getting out of here is no different than getting out of the hospital, you did it then and she can do it now.” 

“But Tix would be alive if we hadn’t left the hospital.” 

Kester pressed his lips together, slowly shaking his head. “You don’t know that.” 

Finn’s voice replaced Kester’s, “You don’t know that.” 

“What?” Rae shook her head in surprise. 

“Where’d you go?” He furrowed his brow, studying her. 

Rae nervously looked around the room, everyone was watching her. “Nowhere. I was just…I was trying to say that we are all afraid of leaving places because of what might happen. Like when we left…” She trailed off, unwilling to mention the hospital again.  _Fucking hell._ Forcing herself to look at Chloe she continued, “You have to do something eventually, go somewhere. Why not now? Why not Chop’s country estate?” Rae looked at Chop, pulling her head back slightly in surprise as the last two words left her lips. “Country estate, really Chop?” 

He laughed, causing everyone else to follow suit. “I know, ridiculous isn’t it?”

The mood of the room lightened, a contagious low laughter spreading around the table. Suddenly Izzy doubled forward, bursting into a loud cackle. Chop put a hand on her back. “Take it easy there, Iz.” 

_Definitely a couple._

Izzy took in a sharp breath as an attempt to control herself. “Oh God, you either laugh or cry sometimes, yeah?”

“In this case, a bit of both.” Finn jutted his chin forward toward her indicating the tears streaming down her cheeks. 

Without rhyme or reason, the next few minutes were filled with variable levels of laughter from everyone. Dinner continued, the heavy atmosphere lightened temporarily. Over the next half-hour, the gang discussed plans to leave. Everyone settled on packing up and making an attempt to reach the countryside the next day. Gas and additional food supplies would be needed, but most could be picked up along the way. Chop mapped out the route and possible places to stop. 

Soon after the last sunlight disappeared over the horizon, causing the house to fill with a darkening grey hue. Her eyes adjusting through the evening, Rae could easily maneuver the house. She watched the gang do the same, pausing to marvel at how things she once couldn’t imagine living without had become unnecessary. Duvets, sleeping bags, and pillows were piled into the living room along with the collection of weapons from the kitchen. Archie pulled back the table and the gang settled in to sleep for the night. 

Despite sleeping the day before, Rae was exhausted. She laid on the floor, wedged between a couch on one side of her and Danny on the other. Staring at the ceiling, movement in the space between where the couches were positioned next to each other caught her attention. She turned her head just as Finn sat down next to her face with his back against the side of the couch. He put the shotgun in his hand on the floor to the opposite side of her. Rae’s face was positioned a foot away from his hips. She quickly rolled her head back up to the ceiling. Suddenly, she was wide awake.  _Shit._  Finn shifted, pulling his legs up and resting his forearms on them. 

Rae whispered, “Are you sleeping?”

Finn looked down at her. “Nah, I’m on the night watch. Slept this afternoon.” 

_Ah, that’s why he was upstairs._  She considered a moment before continuing, “Can I ask you a question?”

He softly chuckled, “You just did.” 

“Don’t be a dickhead.” 

“Who you calling a dickhead? Dickhead.”

Through the dark she could see him staring at her. Finn pushed his legs back down to the ground, moving his hands to the floor by his hips. Rae tried to make out the details of his fingers.  _I could just reach out and take his hand._  Rae didn’t remember everything that happened the day before, but she had a clear picture of his arms around her waist in her mind. “How did I get upstairs last night?”

“I walked you up.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Of course.” 

He was quiet for a few beats, but Rae could hear his slow breathing. Danny shifted beside her as Chloe stood up and left the room. Rae’s head rolled away from Finn as she watched her friend’s movements. Finn looked up at the same time. She heard Chloe pause a few feet away from him and answer his silent question. “Getting something from the kitchen, be back.” 

Once she was gone, Rae and Finn returned their attention to each other. Finn was the first to speak, “I’ve wanted to ask you something important since earlier.” 

_Here we go. He’s going to ask about the hospital._ “What’s that?”

“What are the AA batteries for?” 

Rae scrunched her nose upward, completely surprised by the direction he took in their conversation. “Huh?”

“I saw them in your jacket pocket when I took it off you yesterday. That’s why you were in the row where Chop and Archie found you, right?”

“Yeah.” 

“You left your friends at the front of the store to get them?”

“Yeah.” 

“And I thought I was no good at talking to people, you’re the master of one-word answers.” 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean…” Rae smiled. “You just surprised me, thought you were going to ask something different.” 

“What’d you think I was going to ask?”

“Nothing. I went back for the batteries because I was out of any for my discman. Probably sounds daft.” 

“Nah, sounds like the right priority to me. I’m going to go mad without music. Haven’t heard any in weeks.” He stopped talking suddenly and took in a sharp breath. “Please tell me you didn’t get batteries so you can listen to boy bands.”

“Oh God no, I’d run my discman over with Chloe’s Range Rover before putting a boy band CD in it.” She squinted, detecting a smirk on his face as he gently nodded in agreement.

“Maybe I can beg you to let me listen to some of your tunes or even let you borrow some of mine.” 

Rae smiled, suppressing a nervous laugh. “I’d like that.”  

Finn shifted again, slumping further down on the floor and propping himself up on his elbows. “Something else…sorry about Tix, she seemed like a nice girl.” 

The breath caught in Rae’s throat, the genuineness of his tone punctuating the ever present dull ache in her chest that had briefly subsided. She inhaled sharply and rolled on her side towards him in an attempt to partially conceal her face without ending the friendly exchange. As she shifted, her hands moved towards the ground near her face and accidentally brushed against his arm. She pulled back sharply, almost elbowing Danny. “Sorry.” 

“You can touch me, I don’t mind.” 

Rae pursed her lips as she watched his fingers twitch on the ground a few inches above her face.  _I couldn’t see or touch Kester in the loo, but I can with Finn._  For the first time since she could remember, it was as if Rae was coming out of darkness rather than heading into it. She slowly moved her fingertips towards his bare forearm.  _I clung to his arms yesterday, they were wrapped around me. He said I could touch him. Why?_ She felt the heat of his skin, lightly brushing her fingers over the side of his forearm.

_Who were he and Chop talking about in the kitchen earlier when l mentioned the hospital? Did he know someone there?_  ”Why were you asking if anyone else was at the hospital before?” Just as she looked up at him there was a loud shattering of glass and yelling from the kitchen.

Finn sprang up, brushing his hand back through Rae’s and squeezing it in mere seconds. The noise was so startling everyone leapt from the living room floor, throwing blankets aside and hustling to the pile of weapons on the couch. Finn was gone, already after whatever caused the commotion. Several gunshots were fired. Rae followed the offensive movements of everyone to protect themselves by advancing against the threat. As she entered the kitchen, Rae saw Izzy and Finn bludgeoning something in the corner, while Archie was bent over Chloe on the floor nearby. Chop stood with a protective arm out in front of Danny. Rae stood behind him, her mind furiously taking in all the details it could in the moonlight. 

Izzy stood up, dark spatters across her face and chest.  _Blood._  Finn raised his arms in the air several times, driving blows down onto whatever was in the corner. Both of their torsos were expanding and contracting quickly from the exertion. Finn straightened himself and turned, spatters of blood across his shirt. He made eye contact with Rae first before everyone shifted their attention to Chloe, who was crying. Archie looked back to Chop. “It got her.” 

“FUCK!” Chop threw the bat in his hand on the floor, pushing his hands back over his head. “What were you doing in here?” 

There was a flicker on the ground and for the first time Rae saw a single beam of light near Chloe. Her heartbeat raced as her mind caught up with what was happening.  _She turned on a torch._  

Izzy looked between Archie, Chop, and Finn. “We don’t have long.” 

Chloe cried from the floor, “I didn’t mean to. I was just so sad about leaving I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to look at my mum’s china collection in the hutch. I wasn’t thinking, it must have seen the light from outside. We haven’t seen any infected here for days, I never thought…” 

Izzy cut her off, “The shots will bring others. We have to leave now.” 

Rae interjected, “How bad is she hurt?”

Danny swiftly turned and stared at her. “Don’t you get it yet?”

“We can’t leave her.” 

Finn grabbed a towel from the counter and handed it to Izzy. “We’re not leaving her.” 

Izzy wiped her face and threw it on the ground, strands of hair falling from the buns on her head. “We had an agreement between all of us. Better get it done, she’ll turn soon.” 

Rae anxiously looked between everyone. “Get what done?”

Archie spoke to Chloe over her muffled cries, “It’ll be quick. Now you won’t have to go and if your parents come back they won’t wonder.” 

She sobbed, “I know. You should have let it finish me.” 

“What the fuck?” Rae grabbed Chop’s shoulder. 

Chop looked at Finn. “Get them out of here and throw things into the car. We’re leaving.” 

Finn brushed past everyone, pulling Rae by the arm as he left the kitchen. Danny followed behind them to the living room.  _This all can’t be real._ Danny bundled bedding from the floor into a ball and wrapped his arms around it. Finn pulled the shirt off over his head in a swift motion, grabbing another one from a bag in the corner of the living room. Rae watched the muscles move over his ribs as he wiped his face and neck off with the soiled shirt before slipping the clean one over his shoulders and turning around. He paused for only a second to look at her before throwing on his leather jacket and gathering the bags of supplies that had been organized after dinner. “Get the weapons, yeah?”

She stood motionless. “What, are they going to kill her?”

“She’s dead already. She got infected, Rae. We’ve got to go.” 

“Like hell, this is bullshit. No one is killing Chloe.” She turned to go back to the kitchen.

There was a thud on the ground behind her as Finn dropped a bag from his hand. He took two steps and grabbed Rae’s shoulder, spinning her around to face him. “You get infected, there’s no coming back. We’ve seen what happens. We promised we wouldn’t let each other turn into one of them. This is what she wants. No matter what happens, you don’t get infected. If one of us does, you don’t hesitate.” He leaned over, picking Rae’s axe off the couch and pushing it into her chest. “You hear me? You don’t hesitate.” Finn pressed his lips together, eyes traveling over her face. “Get the weapons, we’re leaving now.” He leaned down, grabbing the bag back from the floor and passing her as he thudded out of the room. 

Rae slowly looked at Danny, who was still standing in the middle of the room where everyone had slept minutes before. The bundle in his arms looked overwhelming against his frame. He silently crossed the room to her. “I’m going, we can’t survive without them.” Without another word he left her standing alone. 

_Shit. Fuck. Bugger. Motherfucker. Damn._ Her brain searched for every expletive it knew. 

Archie paused in the doorway next to her. “Rae.” 

_No turning back now._ “Right.” She quickly went to the couch, grabbing the remaining weapons and returning to him. “Let’s go.” 

“It’ll be alright, Rae.” He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

She nodded.  _Bollocks._

Archie cautiously lead Rae outside through the front door. They found Finn and Danny hurriedly packing the car in the garage. Archie took the weapons from Rae’s arms and put them in the back compartment. “Get in.” He motioned to the backseat. She absentmindedly followed his direction, sitting in the backseat passenger’s side and closing the door. Danny hopped in the far back with the supplies, folding himself into a small available space in the corner of the storage area directly behind her.  _He’s acting like he knows exactly what to do. Am I the only one who doesn’t get it?_ Within seconds Chop and Izzy came around the front of the house. Rae swallowed hard, waiting for Chloe to follow.  _She’s not coming. This is real. Get a fucking grip. How do you even get infected?_

Chop passed everyone, speaking harshly, “In the car  _now_.”

Archie made a motion to get in the backseat across the car from Rae, but Finn caught his arm and hopped in first. He slid across the leather to sit in the middle next to her. Archie got in behind him and slammed the door. Chop planted himself in the driver’s seat, while Izzy sat on the front passenger’s side. The car roared to life at the flick of his wrist and he threw it in reverse. Finn grabbed Rae’s knee and propped his foot on the center console between the front seats, stabilizing himself as the car accelerated quickly backwards and Chop cut the wheel to exit the driveway. Rae glanced out the window as the street came into view and saw multiple figures swiftly moving towards them. She pushed her hand into Finn, grabbing his jacket and bunching it in her palm. 

Izzy yelled from in front of Rae. “GO!” 

Chop brought the car to an abrupt stop, changing gears and slamming his foot down on the gas. Rae’s head knocked backwards into the headrest as the velocity of the car’s movements were punctuated by squealing rubber of tires against pavement. She took one final look at Chloe’s house as it disappeared from view in the night.  _All the places I’ll never see again. The people gone or left behind._

Finn took his hand from her knee, moving it to where hers was shoved between them clutching to his coat. He unfolded her fingers, entwining theirs together and resting their hands on his leg, pressed flush with hers from the lack of space. Everything in Rae's body was numb. _Do they expect me to kill one of them if they get infected? I didn’t agree to that._

The car was soundless, except for the engine and occasional shifting of gears as Chop weaved the car around obstacles on the road. Archie hung his head low on the other side of Finn, who had lifted his other hand to rest on the back of his friend’s neck.

“We didn’t have a choice.” Izzy’s arm stretched across the console between her and Chop, a hand on his forearm. 

Rae tightened her grip on Finn’s hand, their clammy palms pressed against each other.  _Why are you looking out for me?_  

With the headlamps on, they sped out of the city.


	4. The Space Between

** The Space Between **

The sky stretched out above Rae in bands of blue, pink, and yellow hues as daylight intensified across the horizon. Clouds disturbed the lines of color, reflecting light and causing the patterns to change. The first rain fell after an hour on the road, waining after dawn. Chop drove slowly, staying on back roads to avoid motorways congested with abandoned cars. Rae attempted to keep track of all the turns. _A6121, Bourne Rd. A151, Spalding Rd. Glenside S. Cheal Ln. A151 again._ Silence turned into sleep for everyone except Rae after the first tense hour. She watched the dim, lifeless landscape creep past as the car slowly moved. Finn’s head swayed on her shoulder. Danny mumbled behind her intermittently, she assumed in response to a dream or nightmare. Rae refused to let herself sleep, uncertain if waking life or letting her mind unconsciously wander was worse. She didn’t want to ask how much further Chop’s country house in Horncastle was from Stamford. Normally it would take less than two hours, but Rae knew any sense of normal was wildly inaccurate. _It wouldn’t change anything if I knew. Somewhere further Northeast. Everything is in the past now: home, mum, the hospital, school, friends._ She glanced to the front, catching a portion of her face in the rearview mirror. _I haven’t looked at myself in days._ Her new reality was more than strange, but at this moment what struck her most was how unconcerned she had become with her appearance. _I filled days with criticizing every part of myself. Personality. Features. Weight. Height. Clothes. That seems like such a luxury now._ Rae couldn’t decide if she was thankful for the reprieve from her neurosis or worried they would crash down on her all at once. Blankly staring out the window, she settled for being ambivalent in the moment. 

Chop finally pulled over the all-terrain vehicle at a Texaco station at the junction of A151 and A16. A McDonald’s sign loomed in the car park overhead, the thought of chips caused Rae’s mouth to water. The green hills around the station were surrounded by patches of yellow flowers. Chop angled the car between the car park and the services building before turning around to look at everyone in the back of the car. Rae eagerly met his eyes. She had studied the side of his face for what seemed like forever from her seat through the night. _I can’t figure out if you’re sad, angry, worried. Are you a leader? A follower?_ His eyes were hallow, reminding Rae of soldiers she saw on the news coming home from war. _Seen things that can’t be unseen. Suppose we all have._  

Finn picked his head up, dropping it forward into his hands. “Well, just when I think it’s not possible to sleep worse another night comes and something shit happens.” 

Everyone stirred, except for Izzy who remained slumped sideways into the passenger door window. _She must be knackered._ The sound of her voice surprised Rae, “Sleeping is the worst, because you have to wake up. That’s why I avoid it whenever possible.” _She never slept either._  

Chop interrupted their exchange, “We’re on alert. Need to fill up the tank and grab supplies, but who knows what’s here.” 

The loud volume of Archie’s voice made Rae jump, her nerves on constant edge. “Right!” 

Danny passed weapons forward from the back, tapping Rae on the shoulder with each hand-off. _Bat. Gun. Knife. Axe._ She took a deep breath, putting her hand on the door handle as if she were about to open the hatch on a pressurized cabin. There were metallic popping sounds as each door opened. The gang cautiously filtered onto the pavement. Rae looked around, waiting for unwelcome movements. There was nothing, except for the wind. _No birds. No planes. No traffic. No life. Just like Stamford._

“Let’s get on with it,” Chop instructed. Finn circled to the back of the vehicle, lifting the gate. Danny hopped out as Finn pulled out a clear tube and a bright blue petrol can. He turned to follow Archie and Chop across the car park.

Izzy got his attention, “Oi! Water!” She threw a bottle at him. He swiftly shifted the clear tube to the same hand as the can and caught the bottle mid-air with a weak smile. Izzy shook her head. “I hate watching this part. Chop once had to siphon gas when we ran out on a date months ago and it’s disgusting, especially if he ever plans on me kissing him again.” She scrunched her nose and turned back to the car.

Rae followed her lead. “What do you mean?”

“They have to suck it out with their mouths.” She shook her head swiftly back and forth, sticking her tongue out in disgust. 

Rae’s eyes widened. “That’s horrible.” She looked back to the lads, who were busy strategizing which cars to siphon from. 

“Yeah, it is. Can’t believe they’d forget the water.” 

It looked like they settled on one to try first and the three played a game of rock-paper-scissors. _Poor loser._ Archie’s head dropped. _Poor Archie. Thank God it wasn’t Finn. Wait, why would I care about that? Why would I even think about kissing someone at a time like this?_

Chop glanced over with a broad smile. Izzy thrust her right hand up in the air with her thumb extended and laughed, “Increases Chop’s chances of getting lucky again.” She wiggled her eyebrows at Rae. 

Rae smiled, shifting her eyes back to Finn. “What do you need me to do while we’re stopped?”

“Grab some plastic petrol cans from there.” She pointed to the services building. “Take them to the boys. They’ll fill up several so we can avoid stopping again if we can. Chop said something about supplies but this place isn’t worth anything, we’ll need a proper grocery to stock the farmhouse.” 

“Right.” Rae nodded. 

Danny leaned against the side of the car, watching everyone. He crossed in front of Rae and Izzy, plodding towards the McDonald’s entrance. 

_What’s he up to?_ “What you doing?”

“Nothing, just hungry for a burger.” He pointed to the golden arches looming to the side of the car park. Danny continued on before Rae or Izzy could protest. 

Izzy rolled her eyes. “Great, that’s all we need is him getting into some kind of trouble.” After a beat she jogged after him. 

Rae huffed and crossed between the pumps to scoop up four bright red plastic petrol cans. Wrapping her fingers around the handles, she paused to stare through the windows into the store. Her eyes shifted focus from the rows of cakes, crisps, drinks, toys, car products, and other items to her distorted reflection in the glass. _You’re hopeless._ She spun, marching towards the lads in the car park. They were successfully draining fuel from a tank into the single can they had in hand. Archie was gagging next to the front bonnet of the car, his face obstructed from her view. The heaving sounds caused Rae’s stomach to turn as she approached. 

Finn paced a few feet from the car, a cigarette dangling from his mouth as smoke curled around his face and disappeared into the sky above his head. Chop leaned against the back passenger door, next to the tube full of gas. There was the faint sound of liquid filling the can. Chop eagerly held his hands out for the ones in Rae’s hands. “This is almost full, give me one.” 

She held them out. Chop took one and unscrewed the cap, squatting on the ground poised to switch the tube over. Rae set the others on the ground nearby. He glanced over to her. “Thanks, Rae.” 

Archie stood and turned, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his jacket. He gave her a weak smile, his eyes softening around the edges. He pulled out square plastic-rimmed sunglasses and shoved them on the bridge of his nose. “That’s worse than a hangover. I feel like someone’s taken a piss on my soul.” He leaned onto the side of the car, bent forward with his hands resting on his knees. “Please tell me I never have to do that again.” 

“You lost, mate. We’ll get as much gas as we can before we leave,” Finn’s voice was gruff.  He held out the bottle of water to Archie, lifting his other hand to remove the cigarette from his mouth.  

 Archie snatched it from him. “Bloody hell.” 

Finn turned his attention to Rae. “Where’d the others get off to?”

The morning sun positioned behind his head caused her to squint. “Went inside to check for any useful supplies. Izzy said we’ll need to stop by a proper grocery.” 

Finn nodded. Chop sat on the ground, keeping an eye on the petrol draining from the car down to the receptacle. He spoke critically without changing his focus, “She’s right. Hate to risk it, but we can’t get what we need at a place like this.” 

A few moments passed in silence before Rae offered, “What else can I do?”

Chop answered, “Nothing, we’ll be done soon and will need to get moving.” 

“Right.” She pursed her lips, considering whether to stay or go back to the car. Her eyes traveled to Finn, who was intently staring at her. The moment their eyes met, his dropped to the ground and he set to pacing again. _Awkward._ She spun on her heel and returned to the car. 

Rae stopped long enough to snatch her denim backpack from the storage compartment before rounding the front of the car so she was out of anyone’s view. She stood alone, surveying the area around the Texaco. Rae settled on strolling over to a grassy area between the station and roundabout where the A16 and A151 met. Lifeless cars were scattered along the A16 from both North and South, possessions strewn across the ground. If she didn’t know better, Rae would assume everyone had been taken by an alien abduction. _I know the truth though. Were all these people infected? Or taken by the military?_ Neither option sat well with her. _Which is scarier - monsters or men?_ Rae dropped to the ground, sitting with her knees propped in front of her chest. She rested her forearms on them, staring blankly into the sky, which was morphing into a bright blue blanket spotted with white clouds. The ground was damp from the hours of rain, the wetness of it seeping through her jeans. Rae wanted to care, but didn’t. She willed herself to be embarrassed at the thought of standing with a wet bum, but it was so trivial compared to everything else. She fell backwards, staring at the sky. Rae whispered to herself, “We make it to the country, then what? What comes next? What comes in 6 months? A year?” 

She took a deep breath in and closed her eyes. The air around her stilled. _I forgot how peaceful it can be outside._ Rae closed her eyes, the cool, damp earth seeping through her jacket. _I saw myself in the window and cringed. Hopeless blob. But if I were hopeless the gang would have left me, right? They have to see me as something else. When Archie looked at me it was as if he saw someone worth something, same with Chop and Finn…especially Finn. Izzy and Danny too. What do they see? It can’t be the same girl in the window, in the mirror. My da left me as a kid. I had no mates at school. Teased. Isolated. No one even came to find me as the world fell apart. I was left behind. Forgotten. What am I worth?_ A single stream of water slid down the side of her face, catching at her ear. Rae swiftly sat up, her hair falling backwards over her shoulders. “Fuck!” She pushed the tears out of her eyes as more spilled over. “Get a hold of yourself.” 

She pulled her backpack over, impatiently unzipping it and fishing out her discman. Rae sniffled as she thrust her hand into the pocket of her green army jacket. Within seconds she popped batteries out of a package left there, throwing the remaining ones in her backpack. Her fingers made quick work of putting them in the discman and reattaching the back cover. She flipped it over and pressed play without checking the disc, shoving earphones over her head. [The Stone Roses “I Wanna Be Adored”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/100582978286/unppluggedd-i-wanna-be-adored-the-stone) slowly built, radiating through her eardrums and down her neck. She closed her eyes, focusing on the lyrics in an effort to drown out her thoughts. 

_I don’t have to sell my soul_

_He’s already in me_

_I don’t have to sell my soul_

_He’s already in me_

_I wanna be adored_

She impatiently pressed the fast forward button, dissatisfied with the tune. At the opening bars of every song that followed, she repeated the exercise. “Ugh!” Rae flipped open her backpack again, pushing through the plastic CD cases. She settled on Collective Soul, the bright red cover with the man screaming on it for their album “Hints, Allegations, and Things left unsaid” calling out to her. After replacing The Stone Roses CD and pressing play again, the leading bars to [“Shine”](http://darlingdiver.tumblr.com/post/103840918211) vibrated in Rae’s ears.

_Give me a word_

_Give me a sign_

_Show me where to look_

_Tell me what will I find_

_Lay me on the ground_

_Show me where to look_

_Tell me what will I find_

_Oh, heaven let your light shine down_

Rae tipped her head forward, letting it hang between her arms, which had returned to rest on her knees. She forced her mind to aimlessly drift, resisting any of her previous thoughts as she studied the various shades of green in the blades of grass. No matter how she attempted to distract herself, Rae’s mind conjured sensations of looking into Finn’s eyes, the weight of his head on her shoulder, and the warmth of his reassuring touch. It all caused her to smile involuntarily. _What does he see when he looks at me?_ She closed her eyes, bobbing her head to the rhythm. Rae’s small smile grew to the point where her mouth hung open and she took in breaths through tiny laughs. 

Suddenly, there was pressure on her shoulder. Rae looked up, startled. She pulled off her headphones as Izzy sat next to her on the grass. “That’s the first time you’ve really smiled since we met. Must have been thinking about something nice.” 

Rae pulled her mouth to the side, pressing her lips together. “Suppose.” Her voice was warm and low, as if her throat had been coated with honey mixed in hot tea. 

“Suppose.” Izzy parroted her, nodding and quietly laughing. “Were you thinking about someone nice?” She didn’t give Rae long enough to answer before continuing, “He’s a nice guy. Might seem like a grumpy sod on the surface at times, but it doesn’t take much to knock down that defense.” She looked over her shoulder to the boys who have moved on to another car. 

Rae glanced back and quickly turned forward again. “Don’t know what you mean.” 

“Right.” Izzy rolled her eyes before holding out a croissant wrapped in plastic, offering it to Rae. “We found a few good things inside.” The sound of plastic crinkling filled the space between them just as Izzy asked, “So what’s your story?”

“Why do you want to know?” Rae furrowed her brow, suspicious of the girl’s intentions.

“Come on, what’s the point in playing games. The world’s burning, yeah? You and I are the only girls left as far as we know. I’d like to have a friend, wouldn’t you?” She dropped her eyes to the ground before continuing, “And we both lost one last night.”

Rae stared out into the distance, across the motorways and jagged outline of cars. “Girls have never wanted to be my friends much, at least not in school. Tix and Chloe were two of the only ones I’ve had. They’re both gone now.” 

“You know, sometimes I wonder if it won’t be better like this. All the shit I used to worry about is gone. Well, I suppose it’s not gone, maybe just on vacation or something. I used to spend so much time worried about being perfect, but all I care about now is getting to tomorrow and the day after. I hate thinking it’s just about getting myself to another day though. I want it to be about us getting each other there, you know?” 

“That’s how I felt when we left the hospital.” 

“Were you there because your friend was sick?”

“Yeah. I mean…” Rae trailed off. “Why was Finn asking me if anyone else was at the hospital yesterday?”

Izzy chewed on her bottom lip. “His Nan was there. They were close.” 

“Oh God.” 

“Yeah. That’s where his da got taken too, by the military.” 

It was like the wind got knocked out of Rae. _Why didn’t we see them? Why didn’t they take us?_ “Shit, maybe people didn’t escape and go home…maybe they were taken.” 

“Maybe, I don’t know. It’s all a jumbled mess.” 

“What happened to your family?”

Izzy’s mouth turned down, the edges quivering as her jaw shook. “Um…” 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Rae stumbled over words, falling silent. 

“No, it’s alright. We all have a story, it’s just hard to think about your own most times. It’s kind of nice that there’s so little time for it. I’m a bit afraid of what it will mean if we’re ever able to settle into a normal life again. It’s easier for me to listen to someone else’s, you know? Maybe that’s part of trying to be perfect.” Her eyes glistened with moisture as she looked at Rae. 

“Yeah, it’s always felt that way to me too - easier to listen. I guess nobody’s perfect though.” 

“My da was convinced we needed to leave the city and go anywhere else. You know, for Stamford being a relatively small place it’s amazing how loud and crowded the streets got. Panic, I suppose. Our car was stopped at a road blockade. There were people crowded around, trying to leave. Some had cars, others didn’t. My parents got out, tried to force their way up to talk with the guards. I don’t know why my da thought we were different. I sat in the car with the doors locked and just watched. All I could do was watch. A fight broke out, there were shots, screaming…I remember the banging sounds on the side of the car from people trying to run away. I slid onto the floorboard and hid. The sun went down and it finally got quiet. I stayed in the car all night, too afraid to get out. I didn’t sleep, just sat in a ball on the floor and waited. When the sun came up, I forced myself up.”

Rae studied Izzy’s face, her features almost juvenile. The depth of emotion in them betrayed the scars of what she’d lived through. Izzy had stopped talking, a numb haze settling over her as she focused on the horizon. Rae encouraged her to continue, “What happened?”

Izzy took in a sharp breath, shifting her eyes as if she had been woken up. “I found my mum on the ground. My guess is she was trampled. I never found my da. I sat on the ground and cried. Eventually, I got my bag from the car and went to Chop’s house. It was the only place I could think to go. It was the only safe place left.” 

Rae waited, at a loss for words. There were only two she could finally muster, “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault.” The corners of Izzy’s mouth turned up slightly.

Rae admitted, “You’re so strong and certain. I can’t imagine you being afraid.” 

“That was the last time I let myself stand by. From the moment I walked away from our car and my mum laying on the ground, I promised myself that I’d fight to survive or not. I won’t let anyone else die because I didn’t try. Bad shit happens when good people do nothing. I’m scared senseless in the middle of it though. Having the lads by our side helps. Like last night, I knew no matter who got to the kitchen first we would take care of each other.” The mention of Chloe’s house caused Rae to wince, the movement catching Izzy’s attention. “I know it seems brutal, Rae. Fuck, it’s all brutal. But if everything else goes to shit, I promise you one thing - I’ll fight for you, Rae. We all will.” 

_But why?_ “You barely know me.” 

“Doesn’t matter. We’re in it together now.” Izzy put a hand on Rae’s shoulder.

Finn spoke from behind them as Izzy and Rae exchanged smiles. “What you two banging on about?”

Izzy looked back at him. “Nothing, just…” She glanced at Rae’s back and snatched a bright turquoise CD case from the jumble, holding it up to him. “Just discussing Weezer.” 

“They had a new CD that was supposed to come out in September. Bloody shame no one will ever hear it now.”

_Seriously? Good taste in music too? Fucking ridiculous._ Rae gave him a teasing smile. “We could talk Chop into abandoning the idea of going to his country house and track down a copy. Kind of like a musical rescue mission.” 

Finn looked back at Chop. “I wish he would go for that, but I think we’d have to knock him over the head. What do you think, Iz?”

She dropped the CD case back in Rae’s bag and pushed herself up. “We’ve got nothing but time, right?” Izzy passed Finn, playfully bumping her shoulder into his arm. “Come on you two, time to go.” 

Rae collected her discman and headphones, packing them into her bag. As she zipped it up, Finn reached down and picked it up for her and held out his other hand to help her stand. “Thanks.” 

He met her eyes as she rose to meet him. “Sure.” She could smell the tobacco on his breath as he spoke.

The gang piled into the car, reoccupying their spaces from earlier. Rae offered to sit in the middle of the back, but Finn insisted he didn’t mind. Her head jostled as Chop pulled out of the car park and resumed heading Northeast. Rae slowly blinked her eyes, exhaustion taking over. _Close them just for a minute._ Her head bobbed forward and she picked it back up, opening her eyes. 

Finn was studying her. “You should sleep.” 

“I’m fine.” 

“We’ll be in the car for awhile. Sleep while you can, you too Izzy.” He tapped her shoulder in the passenger seat. 

She mockingly replied, “Thanks, da.” 

Rae leaned her forehead against the window, the glass was cool. Her skin was oily and slid against the smooth surface. _I can’t even remember the last time I washed my face. It would feel so good to take a shower._ She rolled her head back, balancing it between the headrest and the side of the car. The world went black and soundless within a few minutes. 

Rae could have slept for a minute or a day. Her conscious mind was completely void of activity. There were no dreams, no sense of time passing. 

When her eyes finally opened again, it took Rae a moment to realize they were stopped. She blinked slowly, leaning forward and rubbing her eyes. The driver and passenger doors opposite her were open. She looked around. _We’re in the middle of nowhere._ As her eyes drifted towards the open doors, Rae saw Archie bent forward stretching with his arse straight up in the air. She whispered to herself, “What the fuck?” 

Chop laughed from outside the car from beyond her view, “What are you doing, mate?”

“Stretching. If we’re going down that hill, then I’m going to be limber. We never know what’s going to happen.” Archie stood, extending his hand towards Chop’s voice. 

Rae scooted across the seats to the open door, peering out. Danny was leaning next to it, watching everyone. “Hiya, Rae.” 

“What’s going on?”

“We saw a crashed lager truck. So after arguing about how we forgot to ever put it on the supply list, Chop suggested we go down there and pull out some cases.” 

Izzy was sitting on the grass by the side of the road. “It’s a bad idea.” 

Finn poked her back with his knee. “Come on, Iz. Let us have a bit of fun.” 

“Oh, it’s all fun until one of you gets hurt. Then you’ll be crying for one of us to take care of you. Look at how steep that hill is.” She pointed towards her feet, which Rae now saw were bent over the drop. 

Rae lowered her feet to the ground, stepping out of the car. Everyone’s attention turned to her. Archie didn’t miss a beat as he spoke, “There she is! We were worried you went into a coma or something.” 

“Not likely.” Rae squinted against the sun, raising a hand to shade her eyes. 

Chop commanded, “Alright boys, let’s get a move on!” 

Finn, Archie, Chop, and Danny lined up at the top of the hill next to Izzy, who remained seated. Danny gave Rae a wide grin. _He’s one of the lads._ She couldn’t help but laugh at the pleased expression on his face. Archie raised the bat in hand over his head. “Go!” The four disappeared over the crest. 

Rae went to sit sext to Izzy, who looked irritated. She shook her head at Rae. “All for a few pints.” 

Rae shrugged. “Enjoy the little things, right?”

“Valid point.” 

The lads reached the bottom of the short hill and busied themselves prying open the truck doors. There was some disagreement about how to approach the lock, but Archie hit it with his bat a few times without hesitating. Danny nervously stood nearby, glancing around. 

“This is kind of like watching a sport.” 

Izzy laughed, “You’re right. Think we could ask them to take their shirts off?” She winked at Rae. 

“I wouldn’t complain.” 

Finn forcefully pulled open one of the back doors to the truck, revealing an empty storage area. The four of them despondently looked up the hill at the girls. Izzy put both hands up in the air. “Told you it wouldn’t be worth it!” 

They slowly marched back up the hill to the car, heads hung low in defeat. Izzy consoled them, “We’ll get some at the grocery eventually, yeah? Don’t be so down. We’ll all get pissed again someday soon.” The two girls stood, returning to the car with everyone else.

Finn gestured for Rae to get in first, she obliged and slid back into her seat. Within minutes they were in motion again and various conversations filled the interior. Izzy and Chop debated routes, while Danny and Archie commiserated about preferred drinks. Finn sat quietly, staring out through the front windshield. Rae reached down to the backpack stuffed between her feet on the floor. She removed her discman and placed it on his lap. Finn gave her a quizzical look. 

“It’s about time you listen to some music, if I remember our conversation from last night. What you in the mood for?” She pulled back the front flap of her bag, exposing a menagerie of plastic cases. She pulled several over her diary, situating it below the options and waited for his appraisal. 

Finn looked like a kid, wide-eyed and excited. His fingers danced over each thin case, moving them around to see what else her bag held. His lips moved silently. He glanced up at her, a guilty smile on his face. “How many batteries you have?”

Rae couldn’t remember the last time she unconditionally gave away anything of value. The batteries had become more precious than fine jewels, the last link to the solace of loosing herself in melodies and lyrics. Music had been her escape, safety, and friend for longer than she could remember. Finn’s hesitant excitement reminded her of a small child, eager for an adventure. _I don’t want to be alone anymore._ She reached into the meager space between them, leaning into the door, and pulled out the remaining packs of batteries that had caused the right side of her jacket to dip downwards for the past two days. She dropped the packages in Finn’s lap with a smile. “There all yours and I’ve got another pack in the front pocket.” 

He looked at her with a slightly confused expression, eyebrows knitted together and mouth turned down in contemplation. “I can’t take them all.” 

“I figure if the discman is mine and the batteries are yours, then we’ll work out a system to share.” Rae handed him the backpack, taking her journal out before letting go of the strap. She removed a pen from the front pocket and gave him a toothy grin. “We have to trust each other and there’s no better time than now, yeah?”

“Yeah.” His eyes softened with affection. 

She held his gaze for a moment, the activity around them disappearing. Rae swallowed hard, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. Finn’s nose scrunched up as he laughed softly. 

Rae glanced away and knocked their shoulders together. “Shut up, cheeky bastard.” 

Finn cleared his throat and looked down to her bag, sifting through the CDs. “So, which one should I start with?”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll decide on something.” She flipped open her diary to the last page with an entry, mindlessly ghosting her fingers over the writing. She pulled the cap off her pen and put the end in her mouth, considering what to write. Rae looked out the window for a moment. There was pressure on her leg and she looked down. Finn was tracing letters on her thigh with his right index finger. 

T-H-A-N-K-U

She returned the gesture on his leg, pressing against hers, by drawing a smiling face. He continued assessing the music choices in her bag and Rae returned to her diary. She raised the cover closest to Finn in an attempt to obstruct the contents. Rae reread the end of her last entry from before leaving the hospital. 

_I can’t imagine it will be better than here. But it has to be better somewhere, right? Please tell me it’s better somewhere._

Rae thought about how much had transpired in the forty-eight hours since she wrote those words. Life was catapulting her onto a path she never imagined. Rae wanted to tell Tix, to share everything that was happening. Writing to her diary seemed foreign as she stared at the last entry. Rae flipped a page and began,  

_Dear Tix,_

_We’re not alone. I’m not alone. Danny and I lost you. Everyone lost Chloe. I have new friends. You’d like them if you were here and they’d like you. I miss you, fatty. I have to believe you went as far as you could though. I wish I had known you before the hospital. I wish we had more time to laugh together in all the places we hated, making them happier. Could we have both been happier before if we’d known each other sooner? Can I be happy now? I want to be happy. I’ve been sad for so long. When they told me you died my chest hurt, it hasn’t stopped. It’s bearable though, because I think it always hurt - I just got so used to living with it that it was only when you died I realized the pain was there._

_I have no idea what tomorrow is going to be like. Suppose the only thing we can count on is it will be different than yesterday. This isn’t going to be like all the times before though. I’ve got the gang now, it won’t be like before. Not like all those years I was teased and isolated._

Her pen hesitated and she stared at the page, her thoughts fighting each other. She continued writing. 

_Right? It can’t be like before. I don’t think I can go back to being on my own. I understand what Izzy was saying about bad shit happening when good people do nothing. I don’t want to stand by. Last night Finn told me never to hesitate. I don’t want to hesitate about anything anymore. What if I don’t get another chance?_

She lifted her chin to the side and let her eyes drift up to Finn. His head was leaned back with headphones on and eyes peering over her shoulder. She only caught him watching her for a second before he looked away. A wave of panic lit Rae’s mind on fire, shaming her for giving him a chance to judge her thoughts. Finn finally darted his eyes back to hers and he pulled off the headphones, leaning a few inches closer to her face.  

“Your mouth moves when you’re writing, like you’re talking to someone.” 

“Sorry?”

“Your mouth moves.” He pointed to her lips. The car shook going over an obstacle, causing his finger to make contact with her top lip. He quickly pulled it back. 

Rae involuntarily touched the spot with her tongue. _He wasn’t reading, he was watching._ She nodded. “Thanks for the observation.” 

“Happy to help.” 

_Get a hold of yourself. He’s just a boy._ Rae rolled her eyes and flipped the diary shut. “What band did you settle on?”

“Oasis.” 

“So far you’re proving worthy of being trusted with the batteries.” 

He held the earphones out to her. “Want a listen?”

“Nah, kind of a tease to take them away from you so soon.” 

Izzy turned in her seat to look at them. “There’s a player in the car, you could share with everyone and save the batteries if you are willing to take a break from flirting.” She snatched the pack Finn had set between his feet, rummaging through Rae’s selection. “Blur!” She pulled out the “The Great Escape” album and slid it into the CD player between her and Chop. [“Stereotypes”](http://pnksqrs.tumblr.com/post/85869049313/blur-stereotypes-the-great-escape) banged through the car speakers.  Finn switched off the disc man and held his hand out to Izzy, waiting for the pack. She handed it back to him and he stowed the music player, settling back into his seat. The car continued creeping along the road, closing the distance between them and Horncastle. 

_Flirting? There’s no way._ Rae flipped open the diary again, yearning to finish her thoughts to Tix. She was keenly aware of Finn pressing into her side, so she contained everything in the single word that had plagued her since they drove away from Chloe’s house.  

_Why?_


End file.
